I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
