you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
