Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
