remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
