Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
