Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
