What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You're like the curious george of whores
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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