a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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