i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
