I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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