This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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