Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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