Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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