The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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