Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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