I met the friendliest cop last night
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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