Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
