What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
honey bunches of taint.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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