you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
