Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
