Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
