News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize