If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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