There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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