i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I will pee on everything he values.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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