If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
