So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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