oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
