When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
