so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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