Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
