I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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