Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
