Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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