I want to stick my p in your. b.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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