the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
pray to the hookup gods
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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