you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize