Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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