for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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