im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
