so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
