Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize