After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
