I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
