new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
