Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm always down for nudity.
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