I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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