i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
