I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
