A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
