Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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