i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I looked at my own cervix.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
