Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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