My Higher Power is John Stamos
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
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