I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Also, beer. Big fan.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
