I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
