I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
