1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
