i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
