so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
